As chemo winds down my brain wants to take to me to the wonderful land of No Cancerville. Oh what a great place it will be! But then again, is it?
I have no idea what life after cancer will be, because I’ve never had cancer before this. Does everything go back? Is this like Back to the Future and I can set my clock to January 15, 2013, the day before I found out I had cancer. Live my life like I lived it that day? Probably not a good day to pick as I was going over and over and over in my head the many ways I was going to get told I did indeed have cancer, or I am not the 5% that gets cancer under 40. But, anyhow the point is… who am I after this? Am I the same? Am I different? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? I have no answers.
All I can do is hope and pray and believe in my soul that I will get through this and beat cancers ass! That one day I will look back at my struggles and realize I had to do everything I did to save my life. Everything I gave up…had to be given up. That indeed every scar on my body was put their for a reason…to keep me here on Earth to live another day. It’s not an easy thing to accept. I’m still working on it.
So for now I will take each day as it is given and do the best I can. Try my hardest to get through this horrible time and see the light at the end of the tunnel. The chemo is doing everything in it’s power to shut me down, and what feels like kill me…but I won’t let it. On days when I can barely get out of bed, I know it is one more day behind me. And one day closer to remission.
I also still worry about reoccurance and so on, but I have to stop myself and learn to live in this momemt. I can’t worry about getting cancer again, when I have not yet defeated the cancer I have now.
I will end by saying…I don’t have all the answers, but I wish I did.